Goodbye 2009

The last day of 2009. Got no time to reminice the past year. I was on morning shift. Was a busy day as expected. I treated a lady who crashed her motorbike to a stone wall, who miraculously just had a stable maxillary fracture and needed some stitches. A mother and son with gastroenteritis. Some earaches. And just at the end of my shift I got an emergency call. The caller said the patient is unconscious and not breathing. I was expecting an elderly person with a heart attack, but I was quite surprised to see a young lady with a rope mark on her neck. This 35 year old seemed to have committed suicide. She was already asystole but we still tried. I'm quite disappointed to fail the intubation 3x, what ashame. But I gave my best. I hope she rest in peace. What a case to close my last shift of the year. 
Then I got a call for an appendix surgery at 9. So here I am. In my scrubs ready for surgery, as the last thing I do in 2009.  No complains. Though I thought it would b fun to spend my new year with my mom. But I don't know why I said yes to this surgery. I also called T and told her I want "I love you" to be the last thing she hears from me his year. I miss her. 
Well, I got to go now an appendix is waiting to be removed.
Goodbye 2009, the year full of experience I will never forget. But I am looking forward for more exciting things in 2010 and start a new page in my life :)

I wish i had her ring on

2 days to the new year. More patients. My first patient today was a friend's son. He had fever for 3 days, with no other symptoms. So I ordered a CBC and Anti Dengue. The result was trombocytopenia but neg dengue. Hopefully the kid will improve. 
The next patient was a lady who fractured her toe. I also suspected a cuboid fracture, so I put her on a short leg posterior splint. She was in tears when I told her about the fracture, but she was nice and very cooperative. 
I lost my concentration a bit when seeing a father & daughter with common cold. The patient was nice, even the kid was good and followed my instructions on exam, but it was the mother who was healhy that made me lose concentration.. plus I didn't have a pen. The mom was very "jutek". It made me feel uneasy. I even asked them to leave and wait outside so I could think and work on my report. Then I called in the father (I didn't want to see the grumpy mother again) to explain the meds. 
After that I had a man who strained his hamstring and gastrocnemius. It's a good thing I had a quick look at the orthopedic textbook, so i could confidently explain him not to worry. He was okay.
My last patient was a lady with high fever & dehydration. I suspect she has dengue. I admitted her. Don't know the result yet. 
Well, overall it was a good day at work. 
I came home at had a nice chat with my lovely T. It's 4 months now we've been together. We already had our ups and downs. But each day I get to know more, makes me feel I love her more. We had a 2 hour chat, which is probably the last online chat we have this year. She makes me laugh, I make her laugh, too. I love seeing her laugh and have a big happy smile on her. We also talked about me coming out. The only person that matters for me to come out to is my mom. I told her about my mom and T actually senses that possibly my mom wouldn't be too surprised. Hmm, that does give me a thought. But I just have to "grow balls" as she said to come out. 
One last thing that I was quite upset of myself is not using her ring. I took it off because I don't want much question from my family about the origins of the ring. I do love having it, and would use it on any other day, it's just that it's loose for my fingers and get tangled in my necklace. I wish I could use it on my finger because it does remind me of her and how much I mean to her. She did look sad that I didn't have it on me. I can understand that. I would be too. Hope I can make it up with her.  

Medicine is art

Mood today: Good.
It's holiday time, Bali is getting crowded with tourists, which means I'll be busy at work. 
Today I got an interesting case of vaginal bleeding. It's more likely to be DUB. But that women was bleeding a lot. However, she was very calmed and had minimal complains. I was tempted to consult obgyn. But I decided to give 5 days of primolut and see how it goes. Her Hb was quite concerning however still by clinical judgement she looked fine. These are those cases where u use ur instincts to work. I'll follow up in 5 days and call her for her progress. (have to write it down in my to do list).
Talking about clinical judgement, my emergency call patient on  Sunday is a case of unmatching clinical findings and test reult. I had a 69 male patient with sudden hemiparese of the left side. He was sleeping at that time. Clinically I diagnosed him as non hemorhagic stroke. But he ct scan did show a hyperdense area at the central sulcus, possible bleeding? I was still unsure when I consulted the neurologist. But she confirmed it was a subarachnoid bleed. Today the patient worsened, and the repeated ct scan did show an ischemic area concordance to the clinical findings.
As I always said medicines is art.
My last case at "injury time" was a teenager with open fracture. She was crying and screaming and there was also vomit. I thought she had a massive head injury. Luckily there were no other injuries. I'm quite content because the process went quite smooth until I handed over to the ward doc. 
When everything goes smooth I just feel happy and proud of myself. Hopefully the surgery tonight will go well.
Now I'm getting ready for my uncle's 60th birthday. I'm excited to open the champagne I bought from Singapore :) 

Christmas in Singapore, feeding my pain

When do u kno ur over a past relationship? Memories can flare up at any time. Ur heart just suddenly feel uneasy. U feel that emptiness in ur stomach. U try to get rid of the thought but it keeps coming back. 
It happened to me.
Christmas in Singapore, I thought I was strong enough. But in the last day I gave in. I called her. At first I felt relieved. But when I got home, my mind can't stop thinking of her again. And the dream I had about her really made me wide awake. So I text just to show I still cared. We had a nice civilized texting, wishing each other well. I was expecting to feel better, being big hearted. But I didn't. I just found myself drowning in the sadness again.
Sometimes I wonder would it just be better not to know at all? Just leave all the feelings and memories deep down inside? Maybe. 
I can never run away from my past. I know that. I might just need more time. Not try to test myself. Leave my past not run away from it. 
But I still feel blessed for the loving people surround me. I hold on to this thought a lot to cope through all this. 
Phew, this is tough. But hey his is life.     

Baksos Natal

My church came up with an idea to make a charity medical treatment program. Yesterday was the day. I had 2 friends helping. One a friend from work and the other was her friend who actually just came to Bali for holiday.

Yesterday after morning shift, I went home, prepared my luggage to take. And at 10 pm I picked up my friend. We had to go late night because my friend had to work afternoon shift. So we arrived at Bedugul at 00.30 and went to sleep. Then next day we were ready for the charity program.

It was a huge success. From the target of 100 people, we actually treated 144 patients, we couldn't treat about 30 people, because we ran out of medicines. That was 144 patients in 4 hours, with 3 doctors, so its an average of 12 patients per hour per doctor. Phew. Tired. But it feels good when you can help people who really need the help.

Emptiness

Unexplained emptiness. That's what I've been feeling for a few days. Don't know why. Just feeling it. What to do? Focus on now and not worry about it. Maybe in time I will get a reasonable explanation.

Starting a new: my life after 31

Many things have occured since my last post. I've learned to focus on now. Deal and get over with the past without regret. Planning my future without forcing anything.
I feel I'm starting to live a new life, life after 31.

Happy Birthday to Me

Another birthday. I'm 31 now. I feel quite content with what I have accomplished. This time, I had no plans on what to do. I didn't feel it special. I'm passing this day as any other day. What's so special about a birthday?

Everyday God's given me is a special day. Everyday I pass through without regret is a special day. But then I realized a birthday is a reminder. A reminder of God's guidance in my life. It reminds me that God has been with me for 31 years, or even more, 31 years and 9 months, and even more than that. I realized God's grace in my life. I thank Him for all the experiences I have passed through. I thank Him for granting me every day til I'm 31 today.

Well, today is a good time to remind myself.

And a funny thing today I just spontaneously wished for something. I didn't ask for something for myself. I just wished for what was on my mind that time. I think it is a unselfish wish that God would surely grant. I asked for something that may make my God happy.

But, I won't tell. If I do, it won't come true ;)

In the process of moving on

If someone would ask me: Are you ready to start a new relationship?
To be honest: I don't know.

But I did meet someone special and I am willing to give it a try. In this process of trial and error (as what one of my friend would say), I find another mixed feelings of happiness and fear.

Happy because I'm experiencing the feeling of loved and appreciated by someone. I almost forgot how good it felt. I'm happy that I can also express (though not completely, yet) my loving nature.

Afraid, too. Yesterday we talked and she just mentioned briefly that I have difficulty to express my emotions. Though this is true because of my introvert character, it is also so because of fear. It was hard enough to finally be able to express my emotions to someone and I completely trusted that someone, just to know in the end it would leave me a deep scarring wound. And in the attempt to open up again, that wound is like bleeding again, and the pain is as bad as when I first got it.

I also have fear to hurt this someone. I would never want to hurt anyone else. I know how much it hurts, I don't want anyone else ever have a feeling like this, and especially not because of me. A few days ago, when one of my best friend had a similar story that she found out her ex-girlfriend cheated on her, I just simply cried out of empathy, because I felt what she felt. Nowadays, I just get so sensitive in heartbreak issues: the feeling of being hurt by someone, yet still loving them. But, maybe it just hurts more because we love them so much.

I don't know. Am I just too stupid to still be in love of someone who obviously hurt me so much. Am I just too stupid to start hoping again for her to comeback.

Shouldn't I just let go, move on, and love another? I deserve a better love don't I?

In the end of the day, it's just me and my thought in front of my notebook. Many questions. Searching for answers. But I guess, as what my mom always, I'll have to be patient and wait for the answers "one day at a time". Patience and time will give answers.

Scars

I had a chit chat with one of my best friend yesterday.

She said, "Kalo boleh memilih antara lu yang sekarang dan lu sebelum berpacaran... gw akan memilih lu yang dulu." She truthfully added, "Waktu lu masih pacaran lu beda. Sikap lu seperti ini.." And she demonstrated someone sitting with legs apart, hand on the knee, and the body bent to the front, "...kayak butchy..." She carefully added, "...seperti terlalu memaksakan diri. Gw dulu melihat lu seperti dimanipulasi, tapi gw ga bisa bilang apa-apa."

It's the first time she admitted this, and it made me thinking: I wasn't being myself in that relationship.

Talking about my changes again, jagungwati said, "Lu banyak menua sejak masalah itu. Sekarang sudah agak berkurang tapi masih ada sisanya."

Then it made think about scars. A wound hurts deeply, but eventually it will heal and become a scar. It will always be there as a reminder we can cope over that hurtful experience.

My wound is still healing, it hasn't become a scar, yet. But it will...

Soulmate

A good comment from Paulo Coelho's Blog, the topic is about soulmate, by Heather:

"...I think on this issue of “soul-mates” that there are several types of soul-mates, but as regards a romantic-love soulmate, I believe you don’t meet “that person” until you have come to love yourself better, and believe that you DESERVE a better love than what you have experienced before. You need to come clean with yourself as to your own responsibility for what did / did not work in your previous relationships, and forgive yourself, before you can be receptive to a purer, higher form of love with another."

Very true...

Making a wrong decision

Made a wrong decision today. And it cost me a lot of money. Have to learn to not be impulsive regarding materialistic things.
Well, we live and learn.

The best way to move on

This is from Paulo Coelho's Blog (www.paulocoelhoblog.com)

What is the best way for anyone to move on?

By not forgetting the road that has lead us there. But this memory should never be a stop sign in our path : it should be a reminder that most things can be overcome.

Sincerity

I just saw a scene from Bruce Almighty where Bruce said a perfect prayer wishing his girlfriend would find someone who truly loves her and sees her as he does. This is actually a prayer I have prayed. But then, could you be as sincere when that someone really exist and it's not you?

It's easier to be "sincere" and have positive wishes for someone you love when both sides are seeming to be "unhappy" after a break-up. It's much different when the other side is happy-lovey-dovey and it started from an act of infidelity.

Your ego starts it's manipulative ideas to make you feel like a victim, betrayed, fooled, stupid, etc.

At first this was what I was feeling. And for me, it isn't an acceptable feeling. I was not taught to be a victim, to be foolish, or act with my emotions. There was a great conflict in me between my ego with my logical thinking vs my heart with my emotions.

Later on, I learned it's natural to have this feeling. However, it shouldn't be a feeling we should hold on to for long. I have learned to overcome the feelings and understood it's not a matter of who's the victim or who's stupid. It's just a process. A process where we learn more about ourselves. It's like a test, where when we can overcome it we pass and the result is know more about ourselves, know how we would react in a certain situation, know what to do next time in a similar situation and in the end become a better person.

Back to the topic tonight.

The past 2 weeks, I just refused to get in contact with her. In my head: I don't give a damn of how she is now. But still every night I do pray for God's kindness to protect her. However, I have limited myself to pray for her happiness. A small piece of me, the egoistic core in my heart, still hopes for her unhappiness and for her to come back to me after all of the unhappiness she will experience.

And so far I thought I had true love. But I refuse to wish for her happiness, because it meant it was with another person. I am quite ashamed to confess this.

This afternoon, I was quite surprised. I had some memories of when we were together, but those memories seemed like a dream, like it never happened before. Maybe it's just a defensive way my mind does to heal. Making me believe that it never happened. But I know it was real, it happened to me. On the contrary it was my dream come true. And if it came true before, I believe it will come true again, with someone else, who will stay with me through the toughest times of life.

We had beautiful memories together. I knew she loved me then. And I truly love her, still. I don't want my love be stained by insincerity. Tonight I will pray and ask God to kindly protect her and wish for her complete happiness with whoever she is with.

*I suddenly felt an urge to text her and tell her of my feelings tonight. I wanted to tell her that I still love her and wish her happiness. But then, a friend of mine did say, that we do not always have to show our love to the person we love, but we can simply wish the best for her and pray for her. In this situation, I think that's the best thing to do.*

A new hope

Beberapa hari ini aku mulai merasakan ketenangan dan harapan positif akan esok hari. Entah kenapa. Sejak peristiwa mabok berat malam minggu kemarin. Mungkin dalam keadaan mabuk itu aku bisa mengeluarkan emosiku yang terpendam (menurut Taz dan temen-teman Petto, aku sempat ngoceh-ngoceh).

Tapi sejak itu aku ngga lagi merasa tidak puas dengan hidupku. Aku kembali merunut-runut harapan dan rencanaku untuk besok.

Aku ngga lagi berharap-harap cemas ada sms atau telpon dari dia. Aku masih ingat tentang dia. Masih banyak hal-hal kecil sehari-hari aku temui yang mengingatkan aku akan dia, tapi sudah ngga ada rasa mengganjal atau sakit hati setiap aku ingat dia. Yang ada untuk saat ini adalah kenangan indah waktu kita masih sama-sama dan rasa sayangku untuk dia.

Malah dari obrolan-obrolan sama Petto belakangan aku jadi ingat hal-hal konyol yang pernah aku lakukan dulu sebelum pacaran sama dia. Aku ingat pernah dekat sama seseorang. Dari obrolan-obrolan kita, aku merasa kita banyak kecocokan. Aku merasa tumbuh rasa sayangku. Tapi aku ngga berani mengungkapkan perasaanku. Akhirnya kita masing-masing punya pacar. Aku melepaskan satu kesempatan.

Waktu aku baru habis break up, dia juga baru aja break up. Kita banyak ngobrol-ngobrol lagi. Teman-temanku mendorong supaya untuk aku ungkapin aja perasaanku. Tapi dengan pertimbangan situasi aku dan dia baru break up dan kayaknya dia juga masih sayang sama pacarnya, aku malah mendukung dia untuk balikan sama pacarnya. Bodoh ya? Maka, hilang kesempatan kedua.

Sekarang aku berpikir masih memungkinkan ngga ya? Dia masih dalam suatu relationship. Mungkin aku akan coba untuk menunggu kesempatan ketiga dan menggunakannya baik-baik. Menurut Paulo Coelho, apa yang terjadi 2x pasti terjadi untuk ke 3x nya. Keeping my fingers crossed for a new hope :)

Gemintang

Aku baru dengar lagu ini di radio beberapa hari lalu, dan lagunya nyangkut terus. Waktu aku baca liriknya, aku tersenyum. Inilah rasa sayang yang aku rasakan dan akan aku ingat terus.

Gemintang, awali indahnya cerita
Melantunkan rasa
Nyanyikan, denting nada dan senyuman
Menghadirkan cinta

Resahku menepi
Indahku bersemi
Mengingat utuh bayangmu

Hatiku mengucap kata merindukanmu
Laksana nyata manis nuansa
Dan jika gemintang tiada lagi melagu
Kisahku yang mencinta dirimu
Kan slalu abadi

Rembulan, temani indah malam ini
Menyatukan asa
Lukiskan, dekap hangat yang kau beri
Mengartikan kita

Resahku menepi
Indahku bersemi
Mengingat utuh bayangmu

Hatiku mengucap kata merindukanmu
Laksana nyata manis nuansa
Dan jika gemintang tiada lagi melagu
Kisahku yang mencinta dirimu
Kan slalu abadi

Gemintang, nyanyikan
Rembulan, lukiskan

Hatiku mengucap kata merindukanmu
Laksana nyata manis nuansa
Dan jika gemintang tiada lagi melagu
Kisahku yang mencinta dirimu
Kan slalu abadi

- Gemintang by Andien

Hangover? Ngga lagi deh..

Malam minggu. Big gathering. Seru. Tapi hatiku sepanjang hari gelisah. Masih sedih dengan ucapan goodbye via sms kemarinnya. Xanax 0.25mg membantu mengurangi kekalutan pikiran, tapi ngga bisa mengurangi rasa sedih hati.

Sesudah 2 shot tequila dan 1 flaming bikini aku uda mulai merasa ringan. Aku tau seharusnya sudah cukup. Tapi ada keinginan untuk lose control. Jadi aku terima aja tawaran-tawaran cheers berikutnya.

Setelah 2 flaming bikini, 1 heineken, 4 (ato lebih) shot tequila, alhasil jackpot dengan sukses. Langsung tepar di tempat. Entah berapa lama.

Yang sedikit menghibur ada Taz di sana. Menurut kronologi dari Taz, dia ngeliat aku uda mulai bergelagat aneh. Dia langsung peluk aku. Setelah 2 kali jackpot di dalam, aku diajak keluar sama pacarnya, karena dia ga kuat nopang aku, jackpot lagi di luar terus aku dibawa ke bangku terdekat. Di sana dengan suksesnya aku tepar. Taz sempat nungguin, terus waktu aku mulai ada respon dia cari temen-temenku. Tapi dia yang juga agak high, harus balik masuk supaya ga ikutan jackpot kalo diem aja, akhirnya dia pasrahin ke Petto yang uda datang. Kata Petto dia jagain cukup lama.

Agak malu juga sih, karena seharusnya aku yang nyupirin Petto pulang. Malah aku yang lebih mabok.

Besoknya: hangover beratz. Rasanya kepala berat, perut mual, pusing... Pokoknya ngga lagi deh, mau seberat apa pun masalah yang lagi aku hadapi, ga mau mabok and hangover lagi. Ditambah lagi gara2 itu ga bisa ngeliat drunk dance-nya Taz, hu uh :(

Konflik ego dan hati

Ternyata semuanya itu cuma sandiwara.

Aku yang mengenal baik sifat dia, merasa ragu antara mungkin tidaknya dia akan "berkorban" segitunya. Lalu aku telpon nomor yang kuhafal di luar kepala itu. *maaf ya petto*. Belum selesai dering sambung pertama, sudah terdengar suaranya.

Kutanya kapan marriednya, katanya Juni. Dia lalu minta aku doain supaya semua lancar dan dia ngga salah pilih. Dalam hati aku tertawa sinis.

Setiap malam aku memang mendoakan dia, minta Tuhan berkenan menjaganya. Itu kini menjadi rutinitas malamku sebelum tidur, untuk tidak lupa bersyukur pada Tuhan lalu mengingat keluarga dan sahabat-sahabatku.

Tapi untuk mendoakan kebahagiaan dan kelanggengannya berumah tangga? Rasanya tingkat spiritualku belum setinggi itu. Boleh dikata untuk topik itu, aku apatis, ga perduli, mau dia bahagia, mau dia sengsara, terserah dia. Itu pilihan dia. Bahkan kalau mau jahat, ada sebagian dari egoku yang ngga mau dia bahagia dengan orang lain, tapi pada saat yang sama, hatiku akan sedih kalau tau dia kesusahan.

Konflik antara ego dan hati itu kadang2 lebih seru daripada nonton drama sinetron telenovela, hehe. Ambil lucunya aja deh...

SMS

Aku sempat bimbang untuk memutuskan segala kontak dengannya. Aku pernah mencoba memasang software hp untuk blok nomornya, tapi aku sendiri yang gelisah dan ternyata softwarenya ngga ampuh, kebobolan, smsnya masih bisa masuk *dasar software gratisan*. Lalu yang terakhir aku mencoba menahan diri untuk tidak menghubunginya kalau dia ngga menghubungi aku. Egoku yang licik mencoba cari dalih dengan, "dia lho yang hubungin aku, bukan aku. aku uda coba untuk ga hubungi dia." Padahal sebenarnya setiap telpon atau sms yang masuk selalu bikin jantungku berdegup agak lebih kencang karena berharap dari dia.

Tapi akhirnya...

Sms dari dia tanggal 25: "Aku sedih bgt liat kmu kmrn kurus bgt. Aku bnr2 pengen kmu bangkit n lupain aja aku. Aku pengen hidup kmu bhagia. Aku mau ganti no hpku aja ya. Aku mau pergi aja dr hidup kmu."

Reaksiku saat itu: Tidak ada reaksi. Saat itu hatiku beku.

Kujawab: Itu terserah kamu. Aku merasa hidupku baik2 aja dan mulai bisa hidup seperti biasa. Yang pasti niatku ke kamu adalah baik dan tidak ada niat tersembunyi.
Lalu kutambahkan: Apapun keputusanmu aku hargai. Take care.

Sms dari dia tanggal 26 malam: "Mungkin cm dgn ini kmu bs lupain aku, bahkan benci sm aku. Maafin aku, ini semua aku lakuin unt kmu. Take care jg ya.."

Reaksiku saat itu: Kesel. Ko ini orang ngga ngerti banget sih, aku ngga pernah benci dia. Terus ko malah dia yang merasa berkorban? Egoku merasa tersinggung.

Hari ini.

Reaksiku saat ini: Sedih.

Sulit menjelaskan keadaan sedih ini. Sulit menjelaskan apa yang benar-benar aku inginkan.

Apakah aku ingin dia kembali padaku? Mungkin masih ada setitik harapan di hati kecilku, kalau Tuhan mengijinkan suatu keajaiban terjadi. Tapi, untuk kelanjutan dari cerita itu pun aku sudah ngga punya keyakinan lagi.

Apakah aku ingin mencari dan menemuinya lagi? Lalu merasakan bahagia beberapa menit yang harus dibayar dengan sakit hati berhari-hari semakin mendekati hari perkawinannya? Dulu aku pikir beberapa menit bahagia itu sepadan, tapi ternyata tidak.

Meratap dan menyesali keadaanku? Aku menolak menjatuhkan harga diriku sedemikian rupa.

Tapi kali ini aku akan biarkan hatiku merasakan, mengakui, dan menikmati kesedihannya.

Dalam puncak kesedihan aku sms petto: "Petto... gw kangen koncreng :( "

Semua orang bilang, waktu akan menyembuhkan sakit hati, aku percaya itu, hanya perlu kesabaran.

Tiba-tiba dering sms menyala, balasan dari petto: "Gw kaplak lo ya jack!"

Haha.. memang perlu kesabaran dan sahabat-sahabat gila untuk menyembuhkan sakit hati.

Starting a new

"If you have a past that dissatisfies you, forget it now."

"Imagine a new story of your life, and believe in it. Concentrate only on those moments in which you achieved what you desired, and this strength will help you to accomplish what you want."

- from The Fifth Mountain by Paulo Coelho

When she loved me

This morning I heard my mom sing this song on the piano, and when I listened to the lyrics, I had to hold my tears.

When somebody loved me
everything was beautiful.
Every hour we spent together
lives within my heart.

And when she was sad
I was there to dry her tears.
And when she was happy so was I.
When she loved me.

Through the summer and the fall
we had each other, that was all.
Just she and I together,
like it was meant to be.

And when she was lonely
I was there to comfort her.
And I knew that she loved me.

So the years went by.
I stayed the same,
but she began to drift away
I was left alone.
Still I waited for the day
when she'd say "I will always love you."

Lonely and forgotten,
never thought she'd look my way.
And she smiled at me and held me
just like she used to do.
Like she loved me
when she loved me.

When somebody loved me
everything was beautiful.
Every hour we spent together
lives within my heart.
When she loved me

- by Sarah McLahlan (OST Toy Story 2)

Is it better this way?

Maybe it's better that I just have a clean break. The important thing is that she knows how I feel. Now I should just cut off all emotional and physical contact. Maybe as time goes by, if fate permits, we will meet again, either as good friends or for another relationship. For now I should just let go and move on.

I know this is the best, but there is still so much conflict in me. Is it better this way?

Hidup itu pilihan

Being good or bad.
Staying in grief or move on.
Being sad or feel joy.

Sometimes we don't realize it and prefer to blame others or God for what happened to ourselves. But actually it is our own choice.

Memories

Small simple things still make me remember about her. I can sometimes smile when I remember the sweet memories, but most of the times the sweet memories will turn into bitter memories.

My friend said I'm melancholic. It's very true. I tend to see the past and romanticize about it. I tend to keep all memories, bitter and sweet. But it makes me think now. Maybe it's okay once and a while, but it shouldn't be continuously.

I'll keep the memories as a reminder of the "old me" ... something I do not want to go back to. I like the "new me" much better, and it took a long and (very) difficult process, so I'm proud of "me" :)

Easter

An unforgettable easter for me.

I felt so empty and finally I opened up my heart.

With opening my heart I am sure it will be filled with compassion and joy. I no longer have to search or expect happiness from someone else. It will grow in my heart.

Thank you, Jesus.

True love

I once asked myself of "love worth fighting", but I found a very interesting writing about this subject from Paulo Coelho's blog:

We often think we can control love. And then we catch ourselves asking the completely useless question: “is it really worth it?”

Love does not bother itself with that question. Love refuses to be priced like some piece of merchandise. One of the characters in Bertold Brecht’s play “The Good Person of Szechuan” tells us about true love:

“I want to be next to the one I love.
I don’t care what this will cost me.
I don’t care whether this will do my life good or bad.
I don’t care whether this person loves me or not.
All I want, all I need is to be close to the one I love.”

I think it is partially true. Unfortunately, what we want and what we need does not always happen, that is beyond our control. But at least we can be true to ourselves. That is more important.

Good Friday

Hari Jumat Agung.

Sejak kecil aku diajari tentang hari jumat agung, hari kematian Yesus. Salah satu hari terpenting. Buat aku pribadi, jumat agung adalah hari istimewa. Setiap jumat agung di gereja selalu ada perjamuan kudus, entah kenapa setiap kali makan roti dan minum anggur pas jumat agung aku selalu ada doa dalam hati. Dan percaya ga percaya, biasanya doaku dijawab dalam waktu tidak lama.

Kali ini aku sempat ada pikiran ga mau ke gereja. Aku sempat berpikir mau menghabiskan waktu bersama dia sebelum berangkat ke jakarta. 2 hari sebelumnya, dia bilang dia mau antar aku ke bandara. Tapi kamis mlm aku dapat kabar dia ngga bisa. Aku merasa bersalah, karena berpikir ngga mau ke memperingati jumat agung dan merasa ini salah satu tanda dari Tuhan. Hehe, koq kesannya terlalu religius ya.

Akhirnya aku ke gereja. Main biola. Dan untuk pertama kali sejak aku ikut perjamuan kudus, kali ini aku ngga meminta. Aku hanya berdoa, "forgive me". Aku merasa bersalah karena sempat menjauh dari Tuhan, tapi tetap saja Tuhan baik padaku.

Sekarang juga semakin lama aku semakin jelas, mulai muncul tanda-tanda dan alasan-alasan masuk akal kenapa hubunganku berakhir, kenapa aku sampai di titik ini. Dan semakin lama aku merasa, semua yang terjadi adalah baik untukku.

Bitter sweet love

Sometimes love isn't necessarily about what you want or need from someone. If you really have their best interest in heart and they're happier being with somebody else then sometimes you just have to find the strength to let them go, to live and go on.

- Wilson Phillips

Love just is

Dia menanyakanku, "Kenapa kamu sayang aku?"
"Kalau kamu? Kenapa sayang aku?" tanyaku balik.
"Ya, karena kamu orangnya baik, ngga neko-neko." katanya

"Terus, kamu kenapa sayang aku?" tanyanya lagi.
"Apa karena aku baik?"
Aku menggeleng.
"Apa karena aku cantik?" katanya bercanda.
Aku tersenyum dan kembali menggeleng.
"Lalu kenapa?"

Kujawab, "Memangnya kalau kamu udah ngga baik sama aku, aku ngga sayang? Memangnya kalau kamu udah ngga cantik, aku ngga sayang? Aku sayang kamu seluruhnya, semua kelebihan dan kekuranganmu, satu paket penuh."

Love just is.

Ego yang mengusik

Weekend yang menyenangkan - bagi egoku?

Kembali ke Bali selalu menyenangkan. Meskipun terkadang ada rasa senang pergi ke tempat lain, senang ketemu keluarga di Jakarta, selalu aku ingin kembali ke Bali, tempat aku merasa nyaman dan tenang dan bisa menjadi diriku sepenuhnya.

Weekend ini aku banyak menghabiskan waktu dengan dia. Tumben dia mau menelepon aku pas malam minggu, minta kujemput dan menginap di tempatku. Aku yang meskipun baru sampe di kost, baru ganti baju - tanpa basa basi langsung mengiyakan. Dia bilang dia kangen sekali denganku, aku pun dengannya. Hari minggu dan senin juga kita sama-sama. Rasanya menyenangkan, seperti sewaktu kita masih couple.

Aku senang dia tahu aku masih sayang. Aku senang bisa tetap menunjukkan rasa sayangku dengan tulus. Aku senang dia pun merespon rasa sayangku.

Tapi sekarang, kembali egoku mengusikku. Aku mulai merasa gelisah lagi. Egoku mulai meracuni pikiranku dengan indahnya kebersamaan itu. Ada pikiran ingin posesif, ada pikiran membuatku kesal bahwa aku hanyalah seorang cadangan di saat dia ngga ada siapa-siapa, ada pikiran bahwa aku ngga dihargai dan pantas mendapat lebih.

Aku tahu itu cuma ego di pikiranku. Tapi tetap saja hatiku dan pikiranku beradu. Tetap saja aku gelisah.

Kesadaran

Ada yang bilang aku harus cari banyak teman baru untuk 'diversion'.

Memang aku berminat untuk berkenalan dengan orang-orang baru, tapi tujuannya bukan untuk mengalihkan perhatian. Aku sudah diberi pilihan untuk tetap berkutat di situasi yang ga mungkin kembali atau meneruskan perjalanan hidup. Aku menyadari situasi yang aku hadapi, dan aku pilih yang kedua. Jadi tujuanku berkenalan dengan orang baru adalah untuk mengembangkan diriku sendiri.

Ada juga teman yang berkomentar semoga kesedihanmu makin lama makin berkurang. Ada juga yang bertanya, kamu masih sayang sama dia?

Meskipun suatu hubungan putus, dari pengalaman ini ternyata rasa sedih dan rasa sayang ngga berkurang.

Kalau pun mungkin sekarang aku tampak tidak sesedih 2-3 bulan yang lalu, bukan berarti kesedihanku berkurang. Intensitasnya tetap sama, tapi kesadaranku bertambah. Aku semakin sadar bahwa semua itu di luar kendaliku dan yang terbaik adalah pasrah, merelakan, melepaskan. Dan dengan kesadaran yang lebih baik aku pun menghadapi situasi lebih baik.

Rasa sayangku pun ngga berkurang. Aku masih menyayanginya seperti saat kami masih dekat-dekatnya sebagai pasangan. Kembali aku ulangi, intensitasnya tetap sama, tapi kesadaranku bertambah juga. Aku masih sayang dia tapi aku sadar bentuk rasa sayang dan prioritas dia dalam hidupku sekarang berbeda.

Satu pelajaran penting: kesadaran does make a big difference.

Living life

Try to feel good about yourself even when you feel like the least worthy of creatures. Reject all those negative thoughts; surrender yourself to dance or to silence or to ordinary, everyday activities - like taking your son to school, preparing supper, making sure the house is tidy. Everything is worship if your mind is focused on the present moment.

Don't try to convince anyone of anything. When you don't know something, ask or go away and find out. But when you do act, be like the silent, flowing river and open yourself to a greater energy. Believe. Simply believe that you can.

Be clear.

Reprogram yourself every minute of each day with thoughts that make you grow. When you're feeling irritated or confused, try to laugh at yourself. Laugh out loud at this woman tormented by doubts and anxieties, convinced that her problems are the most important thing in the world. Laugh at the sheer absurdity of the situation.

Concentrate.

If you can find nothing to focus your mind, concentrate on your breathing. Listen to your heart beating, follow the thoughts you can't control, control your desire to get up at once and to do something "useful." Sit for a few minutes each day doing nothing, getting as much as you can out of that time.

Pray and be thankful. Even in the simplest daily activity.

You are what you believe yourself to be.

Don't be like those people who believe in "positive thinking" and tell themselves that they're loved and strong and capable. You don't need to do that, because you know it already. And when you doubt it, instead of trying to prove that you're better than you think, just laugh. Laugh at you worries and insecurities. View your anxieties with humor. It will be difficult at first, but you'll gradually get used to it.

- from "The Witch of Portobello" by Paulo Coelho

Psikotest

Fuih.. cape banget. Ujian psikotest dari jam 8, baru selese jam 4. Trus harus jalan 20 menit ke parkiran. Abis tu harus nyetir pulang bermacet-macet 2 jam. Jakarta.. oh jakarta. I miss Bali.

Merelakan

Semalam aku sampe di Jakarta. Ada rasa exited untuk keluar dari rutinitas sehari-hari dan menghadapi hal-hal baru di sini. Tapi juga ada rasa malas menghadapi keributan dan kemacetan kota besar.

Kelanjutan dari cerita sebelumnya. Sebelum bertemu rasanya hatiku gelisah. Egoku juga masih terus mengutik-utik harga diriku. Tapi aku juga terus mengulang doaku semalam.

Sewaktu ketemu, aku coba jaga jarak. Tapi tiba-tiba dia mengecup pipiku dan bilang "aku masih sayang kamu, selalu sayang." Duuh, aku memang lemah. Langsung rasanya aku lumer (btw, ini kata favoritnya jagungwati). Suasananya juga langsung menghangat. Tapi kali ini aku bisa mengingatkan diriku supaya si ego tidak ikut campur. Lalu kita keluar makan, dan saat kita di parkiran, dia memelukku. Aku berbisik, "I still love you" dan dia menjawab, "Aku tau".

Aku selalu mencoba membuktikan cintaku, dan bertanya-tanya apakah dia menyayangiku. Semakin lama aku sadar dan belajar kalau kita mencintai seseorang, mengetahui orang itu membalas cinta kita atau ngga adalah hanya untuk memuaskan ego kita, itu adalah suatu hal yang di luar kendali kita. Yang terpenting adalah kita tau bahwa diri kita sendiri benar-benar mencintai dengan tulus. There's nothing to prove, only to give.

Dari pengalaman terdahulu, aku tau dalam keadaan saling menyayangi ini sebaiknya aku merelakannya. Ngga pernah gampang memang, dan egoku meraung-raung untuk ngga melepaskannya. Untuk sekarang, inilah yang terbaik untuk aku, semoga untuk dia juga. Aku sekali lagi mengucap syukur pada Tuhan yang memimpin aku, menenangkan hatiku, dan memberikan kesempatan lagi untuk merelakan.

Is love happiness?

Love doesn't bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, it's a constant state of anxiety, a battlefield; it's sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we're doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ectasy and agony.
- From "The Witch of Portobello" by Paulo Coelho

Tak bisa menghindar

Aku merasa kangen sekali dengan dia.

Semalam asmaku kambuh, mana obat semprotku ngga ada. Tidur pun jadi gelisah. Aku ingat dulu waktu asmaku kambuh begini dia yang kebingungan. Punggungku digosok. Lalu leher dan dadaku dioles vicks. Dan dia pun ga bisa tidur kalau tidurku gelisah. Aku merasa disayang. Tapi itu dulu...

Tadi pagi sebelum jam 6 aku sudah bangun. Bikin teh, lalu duduk di teras membaca "the witch of portobello". Lalu menikmati sunrise. Ngobrol bentar sama Petto. Aku cerita perasaanku dan aku masih merasa agak bimbang, apakah aku harus ketemu lagi atau ngga? Sesudah sarapan, aku tidur-tiduran, sempat terbangun-bangun dengar suara Petto bilang "tendang jekiy yuk".

Waktu aku fully awake, tiba-tiba muncul suatu pemikiran di otak hiperaktifku. Mungkin memang sudah jalannya aku harus masuk ke lubang itu, bukannya karena aku ngga mampu meloncatinya. Karena itu seberapa sering pun aku restart, pasti hasilnya sama. Mungkin sekarang sudah saatnya aku mulai keluar dari lubang itu dan melanjutkan perjalananku. Entah kenapa, pemikiran itu membuatku lebih tenang, dan aku pun berpikir untuk mencoba tidak menghubunginya lagi, meskipun aku kangen sekali. Bahkan aku coba block nomornya.

Tapi ternyata ceritanya lain. Dia menghubungi aku lewat sms (dasar software blacklist tak berguna), lalu aku telepon. Dari hasil pembicaraan kita, aku sudah tau keputusan dia. Aku sampai bingung apakah aku seharusnya sedih atau lega. Aku sempat emosi juga sesudah itu.

Tapi dalam perjalanan ke kantor, aku coba lebih tenang dan berdoa. Aku berdoa minta pimpinan Tuhan dan ketenangan hati untuk ketemu besok. Aku yakin asalkan aku ngga emosi, pasti semuanya akan baik. Mungkin ini kesempatanku untuk berpisah baik-baik dan terutama bagi aku untuk bisa merelakan? Semoga...

Payung dan Canopy

Aku selalu terjatuh di lubang yang sama berkali-kali. Aku tahu betul konsekuensi menjalani hubungan segi-empat seperti ini, tapi aku selalu saja emosi dan sakit hati.

Sahabatku menganalogikan posisiku seperti sebuah payung. Kalau hujan turun, dicari dan dipegang erat seolah menjadi aset paling berharga pada saat itu. Kalau ngga hujan ya disimpan aja di lemari atau bahkan ditaruh di gudang sampai berdebu.

"Terus aku harus gimana?" tanyaku. "Ya, kalau lu memang puas menjadi payung ya dijalani aja. Konsekuensinya kan udah tau. Tapi kalau mau berevolusi menjadi canopy sebetulnya juga bisa. Itu semua kan pilihan." jawabnya.

Meskipun mungkin menggelikan menganalogikan hubungan cinta dengan payung dan canopy, aku jadi berpikir juga. Apa benar aku mau seterusnya menjadi payung? Apa sih yang aku inginkan?

Aku ingin berevolusi menjadi canopy yang indah dan kuat untuk pasanganku. Aku ingin selalu ada untuk menaunginya, melindunginya dari sinar terik matahari maupun dari hujan. Aku ingin dia bangga terhadapku dan keberadaanku bukanlah aib baginya.

Aku harus bisa menerima untuk sekarang aku memang masih belum mampu melewati lubang itu, mungkin aku harus mencari jalan lain dulu untuk melewatinya. Mungkin nanti kalau aku sudah belajar lebih banyak, aku akan mampu melewatinya tanpa jalan memutar. Tapi aku perlu bangga karena aku sudah berusaha semaksimal mungkin, tanpa penyesalan.

Aku sudah memilih... aku ingin berubah... dari sebuah payung menjadi sebuah canopy yang indah dan kuat.

Tuhan itu baik

Semalam kembali menyambung diskusi dengan si jagungwati *dalam rangka ikut merayakan hari Nyepi, hehe*

Aku sempat surprise dengan salah satu pernyataan bahwa dia percaya Tuhan itu ada, semua diatur oleh Tuhan, dan rencana Tuhan pasti yang terbaik. Ini adalah oknum sama yang 4 tahun yang lalu menolak mentah-mentah dan menganggap Tuhan itu hanya ciptaan manusia. Waktu itu dia percaya semua yang terjadi adalah akibat dari diri manusia sendiri dengan campur tangan alam.

Menurut sahabatku yang sebenarnya ga hobi-hobi banget makan jagung itu, dengan kepercayaan dan kepasrahan itu dia bisa menemukan ketenangan hati. Misalnya suatu saat kita sudah berusaha sekuat tenaga tapi gagal, itu bisa kita interpretasikan bahwa Tuhan berkehendak lain, dan kita bisa punya harapan dengan rencana Tuhan yang pasti baik untuk kita.

Satu lagi diskusi kita adalah tentang doa. Dan kita mendapat kesimpulan bahwa apa yang kita minta akan diberikan. Tapi seringkali kita ga menyadarinya.

Dalam kasusku, aku ingat satu malam, 6 atau 7 tahun yang lalu, dalam rasa desperate berat aku doa kepada Tuhan dan meminta seorang pacar. Aku deskripsikan dengan jelas orang yang aku minta. Aku baru sadar, ternyata doaku itu benar-benar dikabulkan. Lalu kasus kedua, aku selalu merasa ngga puas dengan perpisahan aku & dia, maka doaku adalah aku minta kesempatan untuk mendapat perpisahan yang baik. Aku baru sadar, ternyata sudah beberapa kali Tuhan memberikan kesempatan itu, meskipun akhirnya aku melakukan kesalahan yang sama lagi.

Semakin tambah umur aku semakin tahu: Tuhan itu baik. Apa yang kuminta, dikabulkan. Kalaupun yang sepertinya ngga terkabul, kenyataannya aku selalu mendapat yang lebih baik, jauh lebih baik. Lalu meskipun aku sering bandel, Tuhan selalu memberikan aku kesempatan. Analoginya seperti seorang anak kecil belajar berjalan, meskipun aku jatuh di tempat yang sama, rasanya aku selalu diberi cara untuk bangun dan berjalan lagi, kalaupun jatuh lagi rasanya aku semakin kuat dan bisa bangun lebih cepat, dan akhirnya aku akan bisa berjalan sendiri.

Malam menjelang tidur, jagungwati melongok keluar jendela lalu memanggilku. Kita keluar ke halaman rumah dan kita melihat pemandangan paling indah: suasana malam yang gelap gulita, sunyi senyap, dan langit penuh bintang. Satu persatu bintang jelas tampak berkilau terang malam itu. Aku rasa itu malam paling indah yang pernah aku lihat.

Sekali-kali dalam hidup, sebaiknya setiap orang menjalani paling tidak satu malam Nyepi untuk menikmati alam dan mengingat bahwa Tuhan itu baik.

Meditation

Hari ini Nyepi. Boleh dikata menjalani Nyepi di Bali itu adalah suatu hal istimewa. Dari 5x menjalani Nyepi, baru kali ini aku betul-betul bisa ikut menjalaninya.

Tadi pagi seperti biasa aku bangun sekitar jam 7. Aku sempat terbangun dengan perasaan sedih mengingat dia dan lagunya Bryan Adams terngiang di telinga, jadinya aku bangun dan menulis lagu itu. Sesudah berkurang rasa sedihku aku cek email sebentar lalu belajar. Tumben, belajar hari ini rasanya lancar banget, selesai satu topik aku main gitar sebentar, lalu lanjut lagi. Sesekali ada pikiran tentang dia, tapi aku konsentrasi belajar dan pikiran itu hilang sendiri. Habis belajar, makan coklat yang enak banget *nyam nyam* terus makan ayam betutu. Sesudah makan aku sempat berdiskusi dengan kepala jagungwati, topik kita kali ini tentang meditasi.

Meskipun rasanya sudah beberapa kali jagungwati menjelaskan tentang konsep meditasi baru kali ini aku benar mengerti *maap ya jagungwati*. Kesimpulan yang aku dapat, Meditasi itu adalah kesadaran diri dengan apa yang sedang dikerjakan dan bisa menikmatinya. Bukan seperti pengertian kebanyakan orang bahwa meditasi itu harus mengurungkan diri di kamar, duduk bersila dan mengucapkan mantra-mantra.

Lalu aku cerita tentang jam belajarku tadi pagi, aku khawatir yang aku lakukan adalah menghindari atau lari dari pikiran-pikiran yang menggangguku. Tapi menurut jagungwati yang aku lakukan tadi sudah termasuk meditasi. Saat aku konsentrasi penuh dengan textbook-ku, menyadari penuh aku sedang belajar dan menikmatinya, itu adalah meditasi. Pikiran lain yang datang lalu menghilang saat aku melanjutkan belajar bukan menghindar tapi itu adalah tanda bahwa aku benar2 larut dalam pelajaranku, buktinya aku masih bisa melanjutkan belajar dengan sepenuhnya, bukan berpura-pura belajar tapi pikiranku masih nyangkut dengan hal lain.

Ternyata meditasi itu susah-susah-gampang. Tapi hasilnya so worth it, dalam kasusku aku bisa belajar dengan baik dan pikiran-pikiran lain tidak menggangguku. Dan kalau kita sudah mengerti konsep yang benar, meditasi itu bisa dilakukan dalam setiap hal yang kita lakukan and we can really enjoy life.

Selanjutnya hariku cukup menyenangkan. Aku sempat lanjut belajar, browsing di internet, membantu jagungwati menyampul buku, menikmati buku "the witch of portobello" di taman karya si jagungwati dan mandi, meskipun tadi pagi aku bertekad ngga mandi sampe sore nanti, tapi hari Nyepi yang panas ini membuatku melanggar tekadku untuk hemat air :)

When you love someone

When you love someone, you'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon, put out the sun
When you love someone

You'll deny the truth, believe a lie
There'll be times that you believe you can really fly
But your lonely nights have just begun
When you love someone

When you love someone, you'll feel it deep inside
And nothing else can ever change your mind
When you want someone, when you need someone
When you love someone

When you love someone, you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got, you won't think twice
You'd risk it all, no matter what may come
When you love someone

You'll shoot the moon, put out the sun
When you love someone

Love worth fighting

Someone asked me: Is she worth fighting for? It made me think a lot. Tonight I got to the conclussion that she is. Anyone that can make me hurt this much and make me still love her is worth fighting for. But another question should emerge: Does she want to be fought for? If not, whatever I do is in vain.

I think there shouldn’t just be teachings about how to love, but also how to let go. I definitely need that.

Menulis itu terapi

Beberapa bulan ini aku sempat mengalami guncangan hidup yang terhebat dalam hidup, so far. Setelah sempat berkompromisasi dengan beberapa, bahkan banyak idealisme hidupku, semuanya hancur dalam satu malam. Mungkin untuk beberapa orang pengalaman yang kualami tampak sangat simple dan biasa, tapi buat saya yang tadinya hidup tenang, damai, berkecukupan, ini luar biasa. Emosi ekstrim dari sedih ke bahagia adalah sesuatu yang baru bagiku.

Ada seorang sahabat yang menganjurkan untuk menulis sebagai terapi. Rasanya cukup masuk akal. So, terciptalah blog saya, Jekiy Blog. Sekedar untuk terapi diri, dan mudah-mudahan berguna juga untuk pembaca.