High expectations, be aware

Don't feel I did my job well, couldn't focus. When I text T to tell her I wasn't feeling good today and she replied asking whats wrong, I realized I was disappointed. I'm disappointed with a person I highly respect and loved, my uncle. A man who is supposed to be a priest, one who lives according to God's word, but it doesn't show.
How he behaves in my family crisis is very selfish. He only thinks about himself. When I saw him yesterday, he wasn't saying any wise words, instead he continually was telling me stories in the past of how he was hurt by words. Words of his sister, my aunt, and other people. He was seeking understanding, to know how he felt when he heard hurtful words about his past, when he was young. How people seemed amazed he is more successful now, like they were hoping he wound succumb in poverty.
In my opinion, we can never change the past, and we can not change the way people think. But if we were like a failure in past and successful now, shouldn't we rejoice in that. It depends on one's perspective.
But my supposed to be follower of God chose to be a victim as a perspective and he demands others to know how he feels.
Very disappointing. But I guess, this is what you can get from having too high expectations from a fellow human.

Forgive but not forget

One more from my favorite writer Paulo Coelho:
"Forgive but not forget, or you will be hurt again. Forgiving changes the perspectives. Forgetting loses the lesson."

Be Happy

It's human nature to find happiness. That's what petto said to me.
I told her about T's reaction when I told her about my family problems. Although it is logical, it does sound insensitive. She reminds me to don't lose myself in this or any relationship, to speak up, and not just be someone else my partner wants me to be, and most of all be happy. Not pushing myself too hard if it doesn't work out.

Self pity

I dreamt of her last night. We met shortly and just before we parted I said "I miss u" and she said the same, too.

I woke up, anxious. So, I decided to text her. Got a quick response, and she said she actually was thinking of me last night. We said our goodbyes and wishing each other to take care. I also said that I still miss and love her much. It's a feeling I can't deny. I cried afterwards.

I still feel the pain when I remember my past, sometimes still disappointed with all that happened, how I was not treated respectfully. But, as I was washing the dishes just now I remembered about 1 of my patients. She was a lady at the age of 60s. She came for her regular blood pressure check and prescription. She is in a lot of stress and she was so fed up, she cried during the consultation. Turns out her husband had affairs (note the plural word), since years. And they work together, she doesn't have any friends because her husband has made it that way. That time I thought, I understood what she felt. But just now, I realized, I don't. I just had a 1.5 year relationship, and feel like this, imagine a 30 year relationship! No I don't understand what she feels. And I am giving too much pity on myself. Other people have much more pain.

I should move on. But still, I can't deny my feelings. I will let them flow, without pitying on myself.

Insomnia

Couldn't sleep until 5 am last night. Woke up at 10 am. I rarely get insomnia. But lately it's been coming and going.

One thing that is bothering my mind is the memories and thoughts of what if in my past relationship. Damn, it's really hard to forget and let go. Pieces of memories come all day, every day. I try to focus on things in front of me, but there is always simple things that make me unfocus, going back to the past.

But I do remember a friend saying that it's like looking in your rearview mirror while driving. You have to look back once a while, but in the end what's important is looking in front of you. *really well said, nat :)*

Hiccups

Very busy at work today. Luckily I got a 15 minute break for lunch while waiting for my patient's response for some injections.

One interesting case today was a man with fever and hiccups. Having hiccups for a few minutes is already disturbing, imagine having it for 2 days! I remember during my internship, there was a patient with chronic hiccups due to uremia. Thought about that. So I did a blood work up for the fever and hiccups, checking the CBC, electrolytes, BUN/SC and dengue. The dengue turned out positive, that explains the fever. For the hiccups, I gave Nexium + Buscopan, thinking it might be GERD related. This didn't help, so I gave Metoclopramide 10mg. This gave a good effect, his hiccup stopped. He was feeling much better and had appetite. But, it didn't stay long, after eating it came back. Darn. So, next I gave Haloperidol 5mg, since there was no IV, I gave it orally. The stubborn "singultus" seemed to have calmed. Was so happy. So I checked with the patient and asked him, "stil *hiccup* there doc, better, *hiccup*, but I appreciate *hiccup* your attention". Double darn!

I just found out he got better afterwards, but before discharge the hiccup came again. So the doc on duty gave him some tablets to take home.

New Year's Resolution 2010

- Read the bible daily
- 10% every month
- Write a daily journal
- Exercise regularly, sit ups every night
- Clean the room weekly
- Do laundry weekly
- No backing out
The list might go on.
Anything to become a better person :)
Ganbatte yo!

Accept joy

Some wise words from Paulo Coelho:
"Accept joy even if you're afraid it might end one day."

People change

Just a thought I had during my morning shower. When I was younger I didn't believe this. But after going through so much and experience a change myself, now I believe this. People do change if they want to. And I do want to change to be a better person.
Another thing I realized this morning while I was driving to work: I have doubts in my relationship, but I realized that's a good thing. I remember someone told Petto: when you have no doubts be aware, you might just be using your emotions, but when you do have doubts you can be more sure that you are using your common sense, which is good.  

Laziness

2 days of laziness. This is a luxury for me. I know I'm lazy but I rarely get a 2 day in a row laziness when I'm not on leave.
I watched grey's anatomy all day yesterday. I actually learn a lot from this series. I also played cafe world all day, until today.
This morning baked some potatoes and sauteed some mushroom for breakfast (now I know how to bake potatoes on a grill).
Went to discovery mall, I found out my ring size is 8, thanks to petto who took me to a jewelery store. I got a pair of new shoes and sandals.
Also called home. We're having a family feud, between my aunt and my family, my brother and mom specifically. Sometimes I feel older people can be so imature.
Now gonna bake some more in my virtual cafe :)

Judgement call

Was on night shift. During handover there was a call for an ambulance. It was a burn case, which seemed to be simple. I thought it might just be pain management and minor wound treatment or just a patient transfer to the burn center. I made a judgement call to just send the night standby doc and consider it as an urgent call out. I was quite surprise to see a patient with a full thickness burn on the face and hands. It turns out it was a blast injury from a barbeque. I was reluctant to move the patient to the ER, but since it was another doctors patient I just followed and support. The plastic surgeon was called and he said this can be treated in our hospital. I still felt uneasy. Especially when I just realized the nursing care is really complicated. We had limited resource and experience. I tried to have the patient referred but the surgeon disagrees. I just feel I did a bad initial judgement call. 
A lesson I learn from this: Do not underestimate a call for an ambulance, even if it seems a simple case, it's better we overestimate fir he worst first. Also I should use my authority more to interfere when really necessary. I always do not want to interfere with my colleagues, but maybe once and a while I should if it may affect the patient's outcome. 

One one ten

The first day of 2010. My new year’s eve wasn’t too bad.
Well, I did end up passing the seconds passing 2009 to 2010 at hospital. I finished with all the report passed 11pm. Called T to wish her happy new years, then it was 30 minutes to 2010. Instead of having the first seconds of the year alone driving my car, I decided to stay at the hospital. Had a short chat and a cup of coffee and “declared” the new years with the night shift team.
I got home to my mom. Then me and my cousins opened the bottle of champagne I got for my uncle’s birthday. I went to bed around half past one.
I woke up because I heard my phone ring. It was Petto, I thought it was still early morning and was worried that something happened, but apparently she was just going to greet happy new years. It was already 8 am. Then the next call was from my sis-in-law (SIL). Apparently my aunt had her anger fits and rampaged over her since yesterday. My SIL just couldn’t take it anymore, so she talked to me. My mom was already feeling uneasy since she came, she was worried about home. Hearing the news, she immediately decided to fly home.
I took her to the airport and we got her a ticket, but it was delayed till 1 pm (I got to the airport at 9 am). We went to Bali Galleria Mal and shopped for shoes.
The funny thing is ever since my chat with T about coming out, I just had the urge talk to my mom and come out. A few times I felt I wanted to blurt out everything, but I just couldn’t, not while her mind is so preoccupied with other things. But I did tell her I had many things to tell her. I just guess it wasn’t time, yet.
After from the airport, I went to Petto’s place. Felt nice, it’s been a while I haven’t seen her. She told me how her new year’s eve went. Apparently she had to take care of a friend of a friend, someone she doesn’t even know. Then she talked about how she feels of low self confidence in starting a new relationship. She ended up talking to T because there are a few questions she wanted to know about westerners (she has a crush with a westerner). I called T and they both talked. I couldn’t express how proud I was with my gf, she sounded so “adult” talking to my friend. I like it.
Working was okay at start, until I got a visit from 2 police investigators. They came to ask information about the case yesterday. They had to investigate the cause of death of the lady I resuscitated. I’m not worried about the procedure I did, I’m sure I did all the right resuscitation process. But my mind is just worrying about all the legal stuff. Thinking I might need to go to court, give a testament, etc. The thought of that just makes me nervous. And just as I was talking to the polices, an emergency with chest pain came, and the ER doctor was not available. All the police stuff just broke my concentration after that. I worked really slow. So, I had to extend and come home late.
But I was content with working up a patient with cholelithiasis. I think I did wel in managing his pain and that he might be discharged early.
So, overall:
* Social mood: Good
* Working mood: Didn’t concentrate well.